SidTheKid · 3 months ago

I'm wondering if there's someone out there who will treat me kindly, and not make me cry and stress the way that I do.
I'm doing everything in my power to help this person who is mentally ill, but my suggestions are treated like a faux pas or passé. I'm at my wit's end.
I fucking hate myself.
I hate the life I have lived, I hate my upbringing, I hate the people around me, I hate my experiences, and I especially hate all of the experiences I've had.
What do they all even mean??
Do they even mean anything? What is my life becoming? What am I working towards?
I'm doing my best to defuse, mediate, assess situations, but I can't fucking do anything right, according to this person.
I just wanna...go away for a long vacation.
Maybe I'm not fit to be with anyone and I need to find comfort in nurturing strangers than a personal connection, because I can't seem to do anything right for the people around me.
I'm so hopeful for my personal connections, but they don't mean as much as you do...
Maybe I'm meant to live alone, without the happiness of sharing a life with a partner.
I just want to nurture...
I know that's my life's purpose, but I can't keep doing this.
Shoot me.
Why am I even alive after that car accident I was caught in when I was six.
I wish my life just ended then, so I wouldn't have to suffer so much caring for the people around me.
I care too damn much, and I fucking hate it.
I wish I was more ruthless.
I wish I was unkind.
I wish I didn't care so much.
I wish I didn't have the capacity to go through lengths for other people while disregarding my own feelings.
I wish I didn't feel the need to connect with so many people.
I wish I didn't put so much trust and faith in other people.
I wish I didn't take up space.
I wish I didn't disappoint my dad.
I wish I didn't disappoint myself so much.
I wish I wasn't born to naturally put myself through martyrdom.

I want an asteroid to just hit me.
Please put an end to this all, because I never asked for this life nor do I feel like I'm doing it any justice.

Hagrid · 2 months ago

Thank you for sharing this, I'm sorry to hear you're going through tough times : ( I don't really have much more to add other than: I hope you're having a better week. I hope you have the courage to change what you're able to change in your life and the ability to accept what you cannot change. Thinking good thoughts for you.

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